And I thought I knew everything.

I don't know if I should even be breaking this news right here online, but it's been on my mind for a while now. I guess I do have to get it off my chest...

If my memory serves me correctly, my 5th aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer sometime last year. She had a mastectomy done but to my knowledge, no other follow-up, systemic therapies were conducted to completely eradicate the cancer (requires confirmation). Sadly, the cancer has since spread to her other organs and right now it's in the terminal stage. I won't say she's living on borrowed time yet, but having just returned from visiting her in hospital, the situation looks, for the love of God, grim. She's in pain, and having morphine pumped into her to ease it. Semi-lucid. Only God knows what she's actually going through. It's been equally hard on her family members too, like her sisters (my mom and my other aunts), her husband (my uncle) and her two daughters. Yan Ching couldn't stop crying, and her anguish was evident. I remember grabbing my thighs when she sobbed as my mom held her, my reaction surprising even to myself. Yan Min was off at home getting some clothes for her mother (I think). I spent roughly three-quarters of an hour there with my mother as my cousin and her doctor boyfriend held vigil.

In times like these, some turn to religion to seek solace and find inner peace. May the powers that be guide her and ease her path through the afterlife if my aunt ever has to go down. May miracles happen and have her bouncing back to life. From a certain standpoint, you begin to see how fragile life can be. Mankind has conquered many diseases throughout our own history, but with lifestyle changes brought about by globalisation and technology, other diseases have taken place among the killers that continue to plague us. To be in constant, excruciating pain is so difficult, and seriously, a hell of a way to die.

I felt useless. I didn't know anything, and didn't know what to do, or how to offer any words of consolation. All I could do was stand by at the side, and watch. And keep my poker face on. I was not able to offer any words of consolation for my cousin, so small and petite, who seemed even smaller than from the last time that I met her. The past few weeks must have taken its toll on her. Plus it's the flu season, and she looks like she's come down with that too. *sighs* My parents have been waxing lyrical and extolling the virtues of a healthy lifestyle even more these days, with this happening. Who's hurting the most might be my grandmother now. As I know it, she isn't particularly in the pink of health herself, but God bless her, I pray that nothing happens to her!

Which got me thinking again about death. My mom expressed the notion that she should be allowed to die a merciful death and not a painful one. I happen to agree that euthanasia should be made legal if palliative care and all sorts of research do not come to any fruitful conclusion. As for me, well, it has only strengthened my morbid desire to die by the bullet or an explosion - at least it'd be quicker that way, although perhaps equally hard and gut-wrenching for my family members... I wouldn't want a painful death. :(

It's been difficult... Girls, please take care of yourselves. Boyfriends, please look after your missusses. They need you.

EDIT: My aunt passed away this morning. May the divine powers be with her soul as she passes into the afterlife. God bless her family... (yes, using God's name in vain again - I can't find any other better expression).